Caroline's Conniption
by Emeldir aka Finduilas
Summary: When Caroline reads Darcy's tweets; she knows it's time for damage control. She reminisces about the last pre-Lizzie day she spent with Darcy and formulates a battle plan. LBD Universe, set between Episodes 62 and 63. Over-the-top attention-seeking can be funny...


Caroline stared slack-jawed at the end-screen of one of Lizzie's video diaries. She decided to watch the latest few vlogs just to make sure Lizzie was doing as Caroline expected her to. But this was all wrong: Darcy had just entered the room, and while the video was entitled _Staff Spirit_, his torso was the main event. Caroline had recognised his tie and braces before he spoke.

The tie had been worn on the day of their arrival at Netherfield, the day Caroline's plans had seemed to be so close to fruition. It was she that had convinced Bing to invite Darcy to that terrible country town. It had seemed like the perfect opportunity; Bing being idealistic and impulsive and Caroline happily condescending to him, with Darcy by her side. Their Twitter banter had filled her with hope. She knew better than to throw herself at Darcy, but the man had to be given clues that she was interested.

She had made sure to look her most beautiful on the day she met Darcy at the airport. He had driven from Pemberley and was sitting in the airport lobby, surveying his laptop screen with distaste. Caroline recalled pinching her cheeks before accidentally-on-purpose sitting down a little too close. "Ready to babysit my brother as his little homeowner fantasies get crushed?" Caroline had rehearsed and revised this line the night before. It was designed to cultivate rapport, and she'd practised flicking her hair just so. She had initially gone with 'homeowner dreams' but somehow fantasy sounded more patronising. Besides, it had more syllables so was probably better.

Her question did not have the desired effect. Darcy glanced at her coolly, "I have no desire to crush his dreams, only to ensure he realises the gravity of the situation and acts more cautiously in future."

Her heart sank. _I should have gone with dreams_, Caroline chided herself and groped for a response, "You know Bing, he loves to boast about how quickly he can do things."

"No, I can't say that I know that. I know he takes pride in what he perceives as his bon viveurism and free-spritedness, but he's never been inclined to boast outright about them."

Caroline blinked at him. "Um, don't we all?" She regretted saying it a second too late and hoped that her smile and gorgeous platinum lip gloss would distract him from the insipidity of the words. They didn't.

"No Caroline," he replied testily. He shook his head, "I need to send a few emails before we board. Please would you get me a latte."

"Of course." She stood, making sure she swayed slightly so he would catch the scent of vanilla. After pausing to scrutinise his nostrils for dilation, she turned quickly away.

The dismissal stung, but Caroline was pleased to be able to demonstrate her Darcy knowledge. She knew his favourite latte had to have 2 % fat milk and half a teaspoon of brown sugar. The airport coffee barista did not wish to be co-operative about the matter, even when Caroline offered extra cash.

"We don't have 2 %. Take fat free or 50 %, Miss."

A queue was beginning to form behind her. Caroline rolled her eyes, "Fine. One of each." She didn't thank him. He had already refused to give her a proper teaspoon with which to measure the sugar. She wrinkled her nose at the sugar sack she'd picked up. It wasn't Darcy's favourite brand, but at least it was brown. And organic. She wasn't quite sure how organic and non-organic sugar differed, but at least the label was right.

Caroline commandeered a nearby table and took out her cell phone. She calculated that a teaspoon of the 50 % needed to be added to the fat free latte. She regarded the plastic teaspoon distastefully, hoping it was standard size. She added the sugar and stirred both coffees. Ideally she would have had whatever Darcy was having, but times were desperate. She paused for a moment to collect herself before gliding back to Darcy.

"Thanks," he said, taking a sip without registering the (almost-if-you-squint) fern she'd traced in the foam. He grimaced and shook his head, "Airport coffee. I hope you told Bing to buy a proper grinder for the house."

"Of course," she replied through gritted teeth.

He'd been too preoccupied to say much to her on the flight, but Caroline recalled with fondness his acerbic wit when they had finally reached Netherfield. A redheaded girl (whom they later found out was called Lydia Bennet) was spying on them as they exited the car. Darcy rolled his eyes, "Your arrival, Bing, was doubtlessly the most exciting thing that will happen all year to these plebians. Thank you for sharing your reflected glory."

Caroline had laughed heartily, and was certain she'd seen Darcy smirk as Bing insisted that the inhabitants were lovely people.

Caroline broke free from her reverie of one of her last Lizzie-free days to confront the image before her. She knew she had to find out what had happened next. Darcy discovering the videos would be catastrophic, but surely Lizzie could think of something to placate his curiosity without resorting to the truth? She knew Lizzie would be even less inclined to have Darcy know about the vlogs than Caroline was. _But what about his tweets?_ Caroline was too paranoid to let the matter rest. She clicked the link for the next video _Are You Kidding Me?_ It didn't bode well.

An uneasy feeling settled in her gut as Lizzie cryptically explained why she had included the following footage. And then, she picked up from where she had left off. With Darcy. Caroline paused the video and scrolled down. YouTube comments sections had not been kind to her in the past, but she needed to be prepared. The top-rated comment was: _Darcy: "Lizzie Bennet I'm in love with you"_.

Somehow reading it felt like less of a horror than watching it without warning. It was still like being crushed under a Christmas tree, but she could bear it. Surely Darcy could not have expressed himself eloquently enough to charm the woman who despised him? "Come on Lizzie, be reliably rude," she prayed as she resumed watching. It was cringe-worthy to see Darcy humiliate himself like that, but Caroline took pleasure in seeing how vehemently Lizzie declared Darcy was the last man she would ever fall in love with. She wished she had known sooner, because surely Darcy would have appreciated comfort... her thoughts turned back to the video as Lizzie blurted out her secret. It was a lot to process. Caroline couldn't stomach seeing it again, so she tried to stay calm and compartmentalise her thoughts.

The two had come perilously close to discovering Caroline's perfectly-orchestrated Jane indiscretion fabrication. Darcy knew about the vlogs. And Darcy loved Lizzie. _Loved_ being the operative tense, Caroline reassured herself. There was no way he still had feelings for Lizzie after watching all the vlogs, as she was sure he had. His passive-aggressive tweeting now made perfect sense. Caroline thought of the vlogs with a pang. Although she rejoiced to think any affection Darcy had for Lizzie must be completely done away with, she knew her own persona in the vlogs was not likely to endear herself to him.

The next vlog had Darcy in it too, but only to deliver a letter, Caroline couldn't see any expression that marked his loathing for Lizzie, but it would be natural and he was well-able to keep his face calm. Her heart thundered as he handed Lizzie the letter. _What was in it?_ What if he told Lizzie what he thought he'd seen Jane doing? Caroline had been quite smug about how beautifully her plan had come together, and it would all fall apart of Darcy alluded to the indiscretion in his letter. But she calmed down when she saw the latest vlog only had Lizzie telling the audience what wasn't in the letter, which included Jane. She breathed a sigh of relief.

Caroline drummed her fingers on the desktop. The situation was salvageable, but she needed some good plotting to get her done. And to travel to Collins & Collins. After an hour of meditation with a 2 % fat milk half-a-teaspoon organic brown sugar latte, she booked her ticket and was in the L.A. airport the next morning. She smiled to herself as she tweeted "Airport cofee is almost worse than no coffee at at all."

Darcy had just returned to L.A., and as much as she wished to spend time with him, her common sense prevailed. She needed to get the Lizzie situation under control, and perfect her alibi for the vlog-Caroline. "Lizzie made me do it" wouldn't quite cut it.

Caroline was not a mean-spirited sister. She just knew that Darcy's plan of merely advising Bing was not sufficient to detach him from Jane Bennet. And she knew she saw the dangers of the relationship far more clearly than Darcy, who even then was battling with a silly little Lizzie crush. It had been her duty as a sister to disentangle him, using whatever means necessary. The Bennet sisters could not be allowed to have any lasting influence on these men. The girls were all wrong for them, but they were typical men and unable to see it. Darcy had agreed with her plan to get Bing to L.A. after his birthday. "He needs a week to think things over without Jane influencing his thoughts" was all Darcy deemed necessary.

"Jane was flirting with other men in Carter's," Caroline reminded him.

"It may have been harmless. I would rather not think the worst of her."

"A noble sentiment, but with a sister like that, it's hard not to," Caroline thought of how Lizzie always thought the worst of other people.

"Lydia is indeed an undesirable acquaintance, but I have not observed the same flightiness in her sisters."

"Oh," Caroline swallowed the Lizzie-Bennet-is-an-opinionated-snob rant she had prepared, "Of course you haven't. But they might be better at hiding it. You know how desperate Mrs. Bennet is to see her daughters married," she paused for effect, "To wealthy men. And the apple won't fall far from the tree."

Darcy looked at her quizzically, "Do you have any reason to think Jane's feelings are not genuine?"

"Just watch her at Bing's party tomorrow. That's all I'm saying."

"So I infer that you hope our stay in L.A. will not be of short duration."

"Only if you and I can see Jane's feelings aren't there. Bing has classes soon anyway, so it's not like their little summer tryst could have lasted."

"It is not our job to dictate to him. We will advise him, and let him be the ultimate judge."

"But if you can see that he's being led on by Jane?"

"Then I'll advise him very persuasively."

"Mrs. Bennet is a nightmare, Darcy. I don't think you fully understand the gravity of the situation." It pained her to wheedle but she knew that one day when they were fifty and reminiscing about the story of how they got together, this would be re-imagined as a perfect meeting of minds.

"I'll ponder these matters Caroline, as soon as you give me the opportunity to do so alone."

"Of course." As an afterthought she added, "I don't want to see my brother get hurt. You'd do anything to protect Gigi, if you thought she was being misled, right?" He looked unnerved.

Hiding a smile, she left him in the lounge and concocted a plan to make sure her brother would be willing to leave Jane behind. It was, after all, for his own good.

LBD&LBD&LBD&LBD&LBD&LBD&LBD&LBD&LBD&LBD

I wrote this in a sitting and was considering making this a two-shot, but I didn't feel like dissecting it, so hope it's clear enough. My LBD fics are getting progressively longer...

I'm not American (the ounce ignorance and superfluous u's are a dead giveaway), so I hope 8 oz coffee cups are a thing. Let me know in a review. Also, I have a few LBD drabbly pieces half-finished on my computer. Anyone interested in a Lydia ficlet? Or other prompts? Thanks for reading.


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